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[Dec. 1st, 2009|09:04 pm] |
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Would just like to brag a little about my brother. Brian. He sent me the songs he sang at his recital. My fucking god. He is so good. i cant stand it. It's oprea and ya know non english..it's great. i cant even tell you. i'm almost in tears. i'm so proud. the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|11:15 am] |
I really would like to watch Death to Smoochy. I could use some dark humor.
I got bloodwork today. Yo. The fucking drink for the fucking glucose test was fucking terrible. Flat diluted sierra mist with nineteen packs of sugar. Drink it in five minutes they say. And then sit there for an hour while it rips up your stomach. GOD ALMIGHTY. So icky. And i feel high right now. I'm exhausted but wide awake. And watching Will and Grace. Mindy might be sleeping..if i look at her i might wake her up and then i'd feel bad....::looks:: out like a light. Maybe i willlll eat something. CHA.
There's something i need to be doning...but as to what that is i cannot remember.
NAPPING?! mmmm. Hungry. SHOCKING. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|05:42 pm] |
i went to the doctors yesterday. I was there for 3 hourssssss. But it was my first visit and they had so much history to take.
I became seriously aware of how important going to the doctors is. Granted it really wasn't my fault that no doctor would see me in Jersey. But I have high blood pressure and protein in my urine. Which could mean preeclampsia. The doctor said it's not too high but i have to go back in a week to have it checked again. In further research i found that excessive weight gain and swelling of the hands and feet as well as frequent headaches. Which i have all of. For those who have seen me i'm all belly. But i've gained 42 pounds. I was told because i was average weight that i would gain a max of 35. Now is when i'm supposed to gain the most. 2 pounds a week. I've gained 2 pounds in a month and 2 weeks. That kinda concerns me. But i feel him move a lot. It still makes me nervous. If it gets worse. I have to be monitored frequently and on bedrest or hospitalized. and it also means they try to have the baby asap without further damage. I'm kinda mess about it. It causes seizures and in rare cases infant death. But i'm at more of a risk then the baby is. Which i sorta feel better about. I just..i don't know. The real kick in the ass is that this condition develops after the 20th week. That's the week i was denied healthcare. I gotta do some more research. I'm trying not to stress cause well that makes your blood pressure rise too. and stress isn't good either. cause thebaby knows. so we just gotta play it out..mehh
i had nightmare after nightmare last night. I didn;t sleep much. I suppose i should nap. Peggy comes home today. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|03:22 pm] |
So i was just browsing around looking at facebook...cause ya know not having a job causes you to do mindless things..like join farmville and harvest every four hours. Anyway. I was browsing and i see all these pictures of friends from high school and it really makes me sad. Everyone is off to college...some dont even know where i am because we haven't spoken in that long...but its something i have to let go of. i can't dwell on that.
It's great here..it really is. I just can't help but be home sick. And it's hard for me to find things to do to keep myself occupied. I don't have a vehicle at the moment because mine decided to blow up but thtas neither here nor there.
The apartment...or should i say house cause it's pretty much the size of an average jersey one story..is so nice. It's clean for one...there's food for two. But like i feel like im in a hotel. The bed is made of memory foam and the comforter is full of feathers and we have a bathroom attached to mine and Dan's room. Which is quite convenient for late night pee breaks. It's cool out and in the house. It's beautiful. But being who i am i had to have a mental breakdown the other night. But it's fine. Dan gets off work soon which will be nice.
On weekends his mom is off and we go yard saling and to swap meets. (swap meets=englishtown auction)and we go with uncle brooks who is one of the nicest giving people ever. And when Dan's home we go to Brooks' house to hang out with Cody and Noelle and Cassie...and whoever else is there. I'm the designated driver on certain nights. But i can't believe how nice everyone is. They WANT to know what you have to say and they LISTEN for your response..which hell is hard to find in your own family now a days. Me and Dan's mama go run errands a lot..and she doesn't pry like most mothers. She's just genuinely nice. Which is great. And we take turns cooking and stuff. It's super great. But i'm still homesick..which i gotta get over. The baby kicks to much...i feel like it's going to pop out my belly button. But in any event. Text me. I'm home all day. I could use something from anyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2009|11:33 am] |
1816 Florida Street Apt. 103
Huntington Beach, California, 92648
i don't know where the comma belongs...jackson school district for ya. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2009|02:46 pm] |
Carter William is grounded as soon as he's born. He's been giving me indigestion and kicking me something fierce. He needs to learn not to hit girls. One more trimester left. 3 weeks in New Jersey left. Don't get me wrong i would love nothing more then to stay...if i could. NO doctor will see me here. I cant get any state help because i live with my dad and boyfriend..and don't pay rent and work...and was born in america. I keep telling myself my live will be better...and who knows maybe it will be. I wanna get everyones addresses so i can send letters to the people who haven't shunned me. Plus once the little boy is born i gotta send those annoncement cards. Dan's mom is already taking care of me from afar. I mean my mom has gotten so much better...plus o forgive her..i realized it ws childish to hold onto rage for so long. duhhhhhh. but it's like i don't know. here's a woman i never met..having her eighteen year old son's kid...and has invited me to live there...find me work..help us with money...find me healthcare a doctor...everything..and i can't even tell you her eye color. and she's so excited. My mom is moving back west so is my nana. granted it's not my father but he's been slowly deteriorating i'm afraid to say. I talked to him about moving weeks ago...and he doesn't remember. he can't remember when he tells me three and four times a night the same story. he hasn't made an attempt to make this house safe or clean out what was susposed to be the babies room. wait...baby's room SLASH his extra stuff..i think not..i was going to get enough room to put a crib against the wall and enough for my fat ass to stand infront of it. it just seems he really really doesn't want me to have this baby here. at all. his actions and his words say it. i want to be healthy i want the baby to be healthy. i look at it as i would be leaving around now anyway IF things went to plan..ie college. so i mean...i gotta leave him soon. i can't babysit him and my son. he's grown. he needs to know that he's heading for a bad area. but won't listen.
you can't help someone if they wont help themselves....even if you love then with every ounce of your being. I'm sorry daddy but i need to go.
im still very bummed but i really can't be...the baby can hear me. Come on who wants to hear their mom blubber like an idiot everyday. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|01:08 pm] |
I can't afford to have the baby in New Jersey. I've exhausted every option imaginable. And still got denied health care. There is one thing i have to do and it won't make anyone too happy but it's the best solution for everyone.
I have to move...and soon.
After many strings were pulled by his uncle (CEO of some healthcare company) and his mama, In California I have free healthcare lined up Dan has work lined up as well as me as soon as i'm ready to work again. It sucks that i have to leave everyone...especially now...but i can't do it here...i can't. If i was illegal...i wouldn't have to worry...but damn my parents for having me in the US. i can't get shit for help. I'm 23 weeks...i needed a 20 week ultrasound and got sent away because of my fraud insurance. i'm going today after dan's mom pulled some strings. although dan can't go...he has work. Work just keeps fucking us. so i'm nervous. I've been feeling it kick but i'm still scared cause i haven't been seen by a doctor in almost two months. I can make trips to visit...whoever wants to can come visit too. but it's just something i HAVE to do. For everyone's sake.
Besides...my house is falling apart and to repair it will cost lots of money and time...that we don't have. I can't raise a child in an enviroment where every pipe in the house leaks and causes the floor boards to warp. Babies are sensitive...and fragile and can get sick so easy. I just can't. I'm severely torn between what i want to do and need to do...and need is to move...want is to stay...but i need to go. I have to. i won't get over it. It won't ever go away that i feel like i abandoned everyone but if you can't understand what i have to do...them maybe i don't need you. At least that's how i have to assess the situation. keep in contact...i will too..
:/ |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2009|11:39 am] |
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oh my god i found it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2009|11:10 am] |
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I just lost four pages of a paper that's due tomorrow. All i had to do with my conclusion. Calm down calm down calm down....i feel like i'm having a heart attack. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2009|11:03 pm] |
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It's going to be okay. I hope it's going to be okay. Lives have changed..drastically in one moment. that's usually how it works. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2009|10:26 am] |
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I need someone to talk to. Someone who is open minded to EVERY situation. Someone who won't open their mouth to anyone....:/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|11:07 am] |
"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one."
::sigh:: |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|11:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
it really pains me to see people who have no direction in life.
there is so much opportunity to do SOMETHING.
but some people won't go to college..won't get a "great" job..won't learn more then their times tables and that sucks..because there's no excuse.
i've been feeling odd lately. very odd..oversensitive, especially anger, extremely fatigue, loss of appetite, always cold, constant belly ache, dizziness, and a feeling of absolute loneliness when i go home and dan isn't with me(lame i know)...etc..i don;t know what all that means..but it's not making me so happy. hmph.
so my family thinks i'm fat..THANKS GUYS. it's the best thing to tell a self conscience recently oversensitive GIRL who already stands in the mirror and wishes she could cut of the rolls. but really...BOOST my esteem more. Fuckers. It still really bothers me...really really bothers me...and it's been a few days since the little comments where made. Maybe that's why i'm feeling so self loathing lately. hmph.
off to bed..up early for a run..homework stuffs..dans...work..repeat.
OH and i'm thirsty a lot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2009|11:04 am] |
My run was less than satisfying this morning. Oh well.
I've been on odd terms with someone i cared deeply for..that sucks.
I want to fix it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2009|03:43 pm] |
It's bittersweet. I'm searching for schools with good accounting programs, not theatre programs.
I guessssssss thank you burlington coat factory for trusting me with your money and putting me in the office to want to find out more about it. We won't talk about it.
But in all seriousness, it makes sense. I enjoy it, it's real good money, high demand job. Why not? Exactly.
I lost some weight..purely on watching what i put in my face. Which makes me feel really good. I still have at least another 10 pounds to go but now i have that drive. I'm starting to run again.
I cleaned the kitchen with mike massano yesterday. That also made me feel really good too. It looks good.
Me and pops have been fighting a lot. We are both so stubborn. My taxes are messed up but i stopped fighting with him on it. I filed for financial last night. Hopefully we get approved..i don't see why not. That will alleviate so my stress off my shoulders. That will make me feel really good.
Ol' Bessy isn't doing too good. Maybe when i get my tax return i'll ::gulp:: junk her and put a down payment on a car. She's been good. But expensive up keep. That will take some more stress away.
I'm passing english. Second chances are jesus.
I talked to my accounting teacher after class, i asked her what to do to switch my major to accounting. The first day of class she asked "who is a business major" everyone but me raised their hands. She pointed me out and said "why are you here" i said "I work in an acccounting office for burlington coat factory, i don't think we do real accounting but i'm interested." and she said "i have the more respect for you for being here...the rest of you HAVE to be here" she was more then excited to hear that i'm switching my major. she basically tool me under her wing and said she'd do all the switching and help me schedule class and pick a college for later. I'm on like cloud nine these past two days.
It feels so awesome to know what you want to do. I never thought i would every figure it out.
I bought a few things the other day. I decided i need to dress better, i'm not in high school anymore, i'm not far off, but i already look young as it is, my converse sneakers and my ripped jeans with my huge cartoon tote bags aren't cutting it. Although my converse have to stay ;p
I still hate my job at burlington but right now...what else can i do?
I'm growing up..i think. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|07:02 pm] |
I like accounting.
I enjoy that class.
I need to think about my future, my family, my life..not a childish dream. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2009|12:09 pm] |
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Something is about to happen that's going to be life changing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2009|11:11 pm] |
I have not smoked since friday night at midnight. And i feel pretty good. First 72 hours blew...but after that all the nicotine is out of your system and it's mind over matter from there.
I think i'll start running again...i liked running.
My GPA is a 2.1...i failed english and got C's on everything else...i need to focus. i want to punch something so bad
i never realized how much anger i have built up inside in me. I joke about it now but it as really bad the other night. There was four of us. We were about five shots in five minutes of (yay-grrrr) in and one friend got upset about something so we left the two of them in there so they could talk..me and the other one left. Little did i remember me and papa were talking about the only time he ever got dressed and match all by himself and that was his wedding day with sue. so the picture was out..on the way to my room i picked it up...and just sat there looking and thinking...cried for a little...collected myself and went back to the other room. I don't know exactly what happened but things were mentioned that really had bothered me...but i punched the door as hard as i could twice. He sat me down grabbed my hand. The boys went for a walk...i went into the bathroom and started punching the wall more and more vigorously until my friend knocked on the door in a quivering voice "mel please open up right now" i opened the door and she hugged me ran my hand under cold water. The boys came back...he grabbed me and hugged me and said "i'm sorry" i said "for what" he said "for leaving.." i looked at his hand...his knuckles were bleeding too. i asked why he said "because i don't like seeing people i care about hurting"
I'm not violent...i don't know what got into me...but man the next morning...those punches that felt so good...hurt like a bitch and looked gross too...cut up and bruised...ew.
I have a lot of rage i guess i never got out...i need to...but how is the question
I'm sad and happy...i really can't be sure what i feel. I'm happier is for sure...but for how long...it comes in spurts.
Forgive me...i apologize in advance |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2008|04:30 pm] |
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Breann got into a bad accident. She hit a school bus. Her brain is swelling but she's squeezing hands when people talk to her. I want to jump on plane right now so bad. I know you miss mom and your dad and grandma but it's not your time. Shit we didn't get a chance to get trashed together and you know mom will kick your ass. please stay strong and you know dad will be pissed he's gotta fly all the way down there. listen little sister i know we had our issues and we don;t talk as much but you're still my little sister and i miss you and i love you and i want you to be okay. What's pat going to do without you kiddo? he'll be a mess hell we're all going to be a mess. You're too young for this...don't quit on us...don't quit on yourself. Please please be okay sis. |
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| 12 |
[Nov. 7th, 2008|08:02 pm] |
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Too young. TOO FUCKING YOUNG. It's not fair. I don't fucking understand. |
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